Fire from the Hip: Thoughts on Sports & Real Life

From the dawn of man or at least since Michael J. Fox moved to New York City in The Secret of My Success, friendly folk from the Great Lakes and Corn Belt region have been stereotyped as overwhelmed by Manhattan and Times Square’s bright lights. As the young Tigers entered New York this week against the heavily favored and hated Yankees, I could not help but feel that the series represented another skirmish in the long war between the Midwest and the Big Apple. Despite my usual disdain for the Detroit Tigers, in a battle against a greater evil, minor disputes take a backseat. As the heated struggle in Game 2 progressed Thursday afternoon, I too found myself on the frontline against New York. Butting heads with unfriendly New Yorkers intent on screwing me, a good Midwestern kid, I pursued information on a flower delivery gone awry.

Midday Wednesday, I decided to order some flowers and have them delivered by 6 to New York Magazine, 444 Madison Avenue, 4th Floor. The flower company assured me the roses would be delivered by my deadline. After receiving a call from the beneficiary of my thoughtful gesture Wednesday evening, to my consternation, I realized that she had not received the flowers. However, I discovered a delivery confirmation notice in my inbox. So I called the florist who promised to double check the delivery and call me first thing Thursday morning. Leery, but hardly distressed, I wrongly assumed that the flowers would be on her desk in the morning. Ohh, how I was mistaken.

As the morning progressed, I eagerly awaited word from either Tiffany at the floral company or from the intended receiver with many thanks. Receiving neither, I made my first call to the florist at about the time the visiting Tigers took batting practice. Tiffany wasn’t in so I explained my situation to Erica. She promised to track down the delivery records to see when and who had actually ended up with the roses. At about the time Marcus Thames delivered a two out run-scoring single to put the Tigers up 1-0, I received a call that would put me down in the hole against the imposing gatekeepers at 444 Madison. Erica explained that she had telephoned concierge and talked with a guy named Joe, discovering that he had taken the flowers to the 4th floor. Unable to find the recipient who is in fact located on the sixth floor, he took the roses back downstairs and eventually gave them away. It is important to realize she was once on the fourth floor and the same company owns both the fourth and sixth floor. But instead of calling the recipient’s number upstairs, which was listed on the delivery slip, evidence indicates that he gave them to a friend by the name of Charise Miller. To top that, he refused to take responsibility for the gaffe. Erica recommended that I call the building’s manager and convince him to refund my money. Realizing that this might be a real battle but being the personable Ohioan that I am, I called Joe myself. Certainly, Joe would be more reasonable with me.

While I dialed Joe’s number, Johnny Damon turned on a Justin Verlander fastball, putting it off the facing of the upper deck for a 3-1 Yankee lead. Joe’s coworker answered the phone and I asked to speak with Joe. “What is this regarding?” he demanded. I told him that I had ordered some flowers for a person working in the building and that some error had occurred because she had not received them. He responded: “Ohh, Joe is out to lunch so I inquired about Joe’s last name. He refused so I asked for his name. He turned down my appeal, claiming that he wanted no part in the matter. Then, I requested to speak with his manager. He said that was impossible and without giving me a chance to respond, hung up on me. It still boggles my mind to think about it. Enraged, I immediately telephoned again, but my call went unanswered. I hit 0 to speak with an operator; I was now on a mission.

As the Tigers fought back with single runs in the fifth, sixth, and seventh innings, I too stormed back when a receptionist at New York Magazine answered my call. I caught her up to speed about the botched flower delivery and informed her that the front desk had washed their hands of the matter, and were refusing to provide a reasonable explanation for their lack of effort. Again, I was transferred. Fed up after losing my entire lunch break and some to this struggle, a guy named Sean in Office Services was the recipient of my fury. I explained about the utter lack of effort concierge had made to contact the addressee and how they had then refused to provide any information regarding the delivery to first the florist, and now me. He tried to pin the entire problem on the fact that the floor was incorrect. I pushed on the lack of effort and utter rudeness of the guys at the front desk. Then, he said his boss was out of the office. I refused to let him go. Finally, “so that the problem went no further,” he offered to refund me my money, inquiring about my whereabouts in the city. My tirade continued: “I am from Ohio; this was supposed to be a surprise for this girl. I have spent almost two hours on the phone while at work today, and still I’ve found no answers.” After reconstructing the ordeal I had endured, I asked that somebody cover the expenses for another dozen roses delivered immediately.
Realizing my plight, Sean agreed and arrangements were made, but this time I was a watchdog, asking for confirmation from the florist that the order was placed and further requesting for delivery updates to ensure prompt delivery Thursday afternoon. As Johnny Damon floated a harmless fly ball to centerfield in the ninth inning, I realized New York would yield two victories on this day. Like the Tigers in the back and forth struggle played at Yankee Stadium, I emerged victorious in my own fierce struggle Thursday against the vicious concierge that run 444 Madison Avenue in New York City.

During my high school years, Big Red wasn't my car. However, I still managed to pry it away from my parents on special occasions. Group trips with my friends to Cleveland and other places enabled me to cruise around in candy-apple red. However, trouble often accompanied these rare moments. The first time I took Big Red out with my friends was New Year's Eve during my senior year of high school. With five friends and plenty of beer, we headed to our destination: a buddy's house in Fremont, a town among the cornfields of Ohio. No drinking was involved before arrival at the house, but we were a rowdy bunch. Above the din of Fine Young Cannibal's "She Drives Me Crazy," a shout from the back seat informed me that I was going the wrong way.

If you asked me now what Big Red's capabilities are, I can tell you offhand. She does 75 just fine; 80 with the A/C on induces moderate vibrations. Anything over 85, the thing sounds like it is coming part. And I definitely know how much space she needs to pull a U-turn. Let me take you back to this dark country road far from New Year's Eve festivities in Times Square, I thought the van would respond to a confident tug on the wheel. We started to turn but before I completed the turn, we went off the far side of the road into somebody's yard. Unfortunately, there was also a bit of a dropoff between the road and the lawn, later referred to as a ditch by some. But when I think of a ditch, I think of cars being caught in them. (Note Photo 1).

That sleak Lxi, with leather interior and removable third seat, descended into the ditch with a bang before triumphantly emerging out onto the lawn and completing the ill-advised U-turn. It would be a couple of weeks before I would realize that Big Red had not gone unscathed. Rising early on that particular weekend morning just in time for NFL Countdown at noon, my father confronted me: "Nate, uhh, could you come out to the garage with me?" When my father made that foreboding comment, I battened down the hatches, preparing for the storm by racking my brain. I couldn't think of any loose ends I had failed to tie in any of my previous schemes. Then, he showed me the front of the Town and Country and I recalled the U-turn I had pulled. He was unpleased and the car remains unfixed almost five years later. Realize that the grass jammed into the end has been removed and overall, this picture fails to truely capture the damage.

It was the minivan's first bruise, but the second one would soon follow during that summer on a trip to Cleveland. My buddies and I decided to take in an Indians game. Backing out of my sister's driveway bleary-eyed the next morning, I managed to back the van into a water sproket on the side of the house. Terrified of what my parent's would say, I went straight to the dealership after returning to Toledo, and bought some candy-apple red touch-up paint. Slopping it on in the parking lot, I rushed off to work. A valuable lesson was learned: you can't cover up a ten inch long dent and scratch with broad brush strokes of touch-up paint. And if you embark on such a hopeless venture, at least wait for the paint to dry to avoid drips. The parents weren't pleased when I told them the next day and it turned out that my efforts to fix the mishap had resulted in a higher bill. And that is the story of how Big Red received her two major identifying marks that help her stand out from your average Town and Country, or worse Dodge Caravan.

Thankfully, week 4 appears to have a much less difficult slate of games as opposed to last Sunday, which left me bruised. The problem lies in the fact that I wake up at 12:30 and have to scramble to get my picks on the site before the 1 PM kickoffs. This leaves me with little time to reflect upon my picks. At the end of this evening, I will figure out my record thus far in the season. Also, by request, I will pick every game this week. However, with quanitity, quality suffers: the explanations behind each pick will be less elaborate.

Cardinals at Falcons - I take the Falcons as Kurt Warner attempts to keep his job for at least one more week. Please note that it was a mere two weeks ago that I almost picked Arizona over Seattle, calling Arizona my surprise team with an offense capable of duplicating the 2000 Rams. Whoops. I apologize.

Chargers at Ravens - The Ravens offense is as bad as it ever was. I won't go this route, ohh okay I will: If the Browns had Gary Baxter starting alongside Leigh Bodden last week, as opposed to Devon Holly, the Ravens score six points in a loss to the Browns. This week, the Chargers come in and win a real defensive battle. Phil Rivers better not give this game away with turnovers. This is an easy win for the Chargers even if they punt the ball ten times. NO TURNOVERS.

Vikings at Bills - This game is a perfect reason why I usually don't pick every game. Nobody cares whether I predict the winner in this game. I like the Vikings though.

Saints at Panthers - I refuse to abandon the Panthers, despite their early season struggles. I am going to ride this team as far as they are willing to take me. I like them at home against the Saints who could have a letdown after Monday night's game. Delhomme and the Panthers had a real gutsy effort in Tampa Bay in a must win last week. I think today will be a continuation of their revival.

Dolphins at Texans - Dolphins. Culpepper better play better. Ha, I just realized that line. But I'll keep it. Texans will surprise a team this year and I think it will be a home game but I am still bitter about taking them over Washington last week.

49ers at Chiefs - Larry Johnson should find a way to carry the team to victory in spite of Damon Huard. It's amazing to think this guy is still getting paid to play quarterback in the NFL. The 49ers are an up and coming team but Arrowhead is a tough place to get a road win and I am not sure I see it.

Colts at Jets - The Colts are so boring sometimes. Why can't they be more inconsistent? They surprised me against Jacksonville last week so I will now most likely pick them each week because chances are I'll go 13-3 with them at worst.

Cowboys at Titans - Cowboys, but I can't get over how insane TO is. I made a brilliant prediction earlier this season in regards to a fantasy owner's batch of receivers. Referencing TO, Deion Branch, and Ashley Lelie, I asked: "will the soap opera that is the receiving corp on this team produce as much drama on the field as they do off the field?" Damn, I look good.

Patriots at Bengals - I don't see the Patriots being able to stop the Bengals balanced offensive attack. Pittsburgh couldn't do it last week and the Bengals didn't even play that well. I see the Bengals winning in a high scoring affair.

Jaguars at Redskins - Jaguars. I dislike the makeup of the Redskins vehemently. Everybody is making a big deal out of the fact that they beat the Texans last week. Wow, I am impresssed. A hint of sarcasm.

Seahawks at Bears - I don't see how the Seahawks can win this game without Shaun Alexander. I am taking the Bears but I have a bad feeling about it so don't cite me when you place your bets. Hmm, I am taking the Bears because I like their defense but something tells me the Bears as a team aren't as good as their record.

Packers at Eagles - Who decided this would be a good Monday night affair? Thanks for ruining my week before Tuesday. Eagles. But seriously the teams were a combined 10-22 last year. Hey, I have a good idea. Let's pair the teams on primetime, that'll get good ratings.

Browns at Raiders - I love my Browns again but I sincerely hope this is the game where they finally score more than twenty points. It's been so long. I just want an entertaining easy victory. Is that so much to ask for against a hapless Raider squad?

Lions at Rams - I will take the Rams and their running attack. Will Roy Williams shut his mouth soon? He continues to make stupid comments that leave everybody including his teammates wondering what team he is watching.

There you have it. Hopefully, this week makes me look good. I felt bad about last week. Trouble sleeping etc...unemployment. You know all the stresses of a kid broke, living at home. I do have a job now (for the record).